Wit and Wisdom

Wit and Wisdom

In Fewer Words

December 1 1937
Wit and Wisdom

Wit and Wisdom

In Fewer Words

December 1 1937

Wit and Wisdom

HUMOR

In Fewer Words

The New Necessity—The arms race takes a new and mysterious tack. Hereafter no European navy will he at war strength without a flotilla of unidentified submarines.—Detroit News.

No Escape From Taxes—Ladders are the only approaches to some Norwegian farms, which are mere ledges on the mountains. The farmers used to pull up the ladders when the tax collectors came around, but now the law requires a stationary iron ladder.—Reader's Digest.

Happy Ending—In their declining years, American barbers’ chairs are shipped to the Congo, where they are used as tribal thrones. -Advertising and Selling.

They Still Exist A real innocent woman is one who believes men chew cloves because doves taste good.—Galt Reporter.

A Real Idea—Labor exchanges have been established throughout Belgium and full details of vacancies are announced by radio every morning at nine.—Vancouver NewsHerald.

Good News A noted highway engineer says that eventually this country will be a gigantic system of super-highways which will enable the nation to operate four times the number of automobiles now in use. The hearty cheering you hear just to the right comes from the undertakers. —Niagara Falls Review.

Somewhere in Africa—A well-known Sudburian, victim of insomnia, praises ti e Lions Club for their public spiritedness in organizing a boys’ band, but proposes that the boys do their practicing in Lions’ neighborhoods.—Sudbury Star.

Wasted Effort—What’s the good of being so darned painstaking? Even if you can pronounce all those Chinese names correctly, nobody understands you any better.—Montreal Herald.

Good Old Days—A fellow with a good memory is one who can recall away back when there was only one war going on in the world at one time.—Edmonton Bulletin.

Come, Come, Ned!—Ned.—No one attempts to communicate. That is the deception. Motive jealousy. Necessary you keep your voluntary promises to me. —M. R.—Personal in The Times (London). Economics Up-to-Date—Brazil again is giving the world a lesson in economic paradox. She is burning more coffee. Since 1931, 50,000,000 sacks of that country’s major product, worth more than $250,000,000, have been destroyed.— World Review.

Big-time Sporting Event—Fergus, Ont. This village was the focal point for 45,000 persons today, here for the third day of the International Plowing Match. —Toronto Globe and Mail.

Higher Education -“There is no more reason why everyone should attend a university than why everyone should learn to fly an airship.”—Nicholas Murray Butler.

Explained at Last—After listening to a lot of these newfangled “cowboy songs” on the radio, I understand why the range cattle used to stampede so often. Niagara Falls Review.

Help for the Chinese Another suggestion is that, as a mark of confidence, China should not be called upon to pay her League of Nations subscription this year —while, of course, remaining fully in every right of membership.—The Times (London).

Too Old? Hah, Hah!—Last August, Mr. Heath won the dancing championship of Austria. He has won the World’s Amateur Ballroom Championship thirteen times. And he is fifty-eight. Efficiency Magazine.

Bibles Into Munitions—A fortune is being made by a man of seventy-seven who, after sixteen years of self-imposed poverty, living on £2 a week, invented and patented a method of turning old Bibles into guncotton, artificial silk, cellulose, and expensive note paper.—London Daily Express.

What You Don’t SeeIf horses’eyes were in their flanks where they could watch their load, most of them would balk, claiming it was too heavy and they couldn’t draw it.—Kitchener Record.

Safe So Far—A writer in a contemporary suggests that men are refusing to become shorthand-typists because they think the work effeminate. Luckily for employers, however, the modern girl hasn’t got that idea into her head. The Humorist.

A Labor of Love—The German savant who is working out a cure for laziness doesn’t expect riches. The ingratitude of the sufferers he has saved will be enough.— Christian Science Monitor.

Maybe Adam Laughed as These

New Method—It was in Ould Oireland, and a gang of navvies were doing a spot of excavating in a hole.

Picks and shovels were not working at the speed the foreman desired. Putting his hand to his mouth, “All of yez out!” he yelled.

The navvies dropped their implements of toil and scrambled out of the hole.

“All of yez in !” yelled the foreman. The navvies all jumped back into the hole. As soon as they were in the foreman again yelled, “All of yez out!”

Out they scrambled. This performance was repeated again and again until Pat (one of the navvies) asked the foreman what was going on.

“Well,” replied the foreman, “ye take more dirt out on yer boots than ye do on yer shovels. All of yez in!”—Montreal Star.

Beneficial System—Brown: “Your

wife is a very systematic woman, isn’t she?”

Jones: “Yes, very. She works on the theory that you can find whatever you want when you don’t want it by looking where it should be if you did want it.”— Port Arthur News-Chronicle.

An Old Advertisement—A traveller seeking advertisements for a local paper called at the village grocer’s. Upon presenting his card, he was surprised when the grey-haired proprietor said, “Nothing doing. Been established eighty years, and never advertised.”

Turning to leave, the traveller said, “Excuse me, sir. but what is that building on the hill?”

“The village church,” said the grocer.

“Been there long?” asked the traveller.

“About three hundred years.”

“W’ell,” replied the traveller, “they still ring the bell.”—Galt Reporter.

Conscientious—Entering a taxidermist’s shop a caller enquired whether live rats were sold there.

“Yes, for purposes of medical research,” was the answer.

“I'll have two dozen.” said the customer. “Have you any mice?”

“Yes.”

“Give me six dozen mice. Have you any fleas?”

“Yes, we sell those by the pint.”

“I’ll take a quart.”

The taxidermist stood speechless with astonishment. At last he said : “I’ve never had such an order in all my experience, sir. Would you mind telling me the reason?” “Not at all.” the customer replied. “The lease of my house ends tomorrow, and by the terms of my agreement I have to leave it in precisely the same condition as I found it!”—Galt Reporter.

Half and Half—Sammy was not prone to overexertion in the classroom. Therefore his mother was both surprised and pleased when he came home with the announcement: "I got a hundred this

morning.”

“That’s lovely, dear,” she said, as she kissed the boy tenderly. “What was it in?” she asked.

“Fifty in composition and fifty in grammar.”—The Humorist.

He Had No Radio—A party of hikers in a remote part of England came across a shepherd tending his sheep, and in the course of conversation the shepherd said: “How’s the war going on?”

“Good gracious!” cried the hikers, “that was over long ago.”

“Oh,” said the shepherd, “who won?” “We did,” was the reply.

“Well, what have they done with old Kruger?”

“Why, that was the South African War. We’ve had another since then.”

“Oh; who with this time?”

“With the Germans, and we won that

also.”

“My word,” said the old man, “1 bet Queen Victoria's pleased.”—Brantford Expositor.